Redundancy
Posted: 27/01/2012 Filed under: Gaming, Rant, SCIENCE!, Words Leave a comment »Yesterday, I lost my job. Brilliant, eh?
I was never a huge fan of the job but I’m going to find myself with a lot of time on my hands and with very little money indeed, so if anyone wants to help alleviate both strains and hire me to write a piece for you on anything – to any word count – then I’m more than happy to oblige:
My skills include:
- Experience with writing, formatting and proof-reading long documents including games and technology reviews, short stories, academical arguments and lab reports.
- Broad experience and knowledge with video games, history, technology, sciences, maths and economics.
- Cynical attitude but can reason, debate and address counter-arguments internally or on paper.
- Optimistic to the future and with a good sense of humour / the absurd / irony.
- Decided to delete my entire online portfolio in 2011 out of boredom*, although some older (and less representative) articles may exist in backups.
- Can make a half-decent cup of tea, despite never drinking tea in my life.
- I’m cheap. Will work for Chicago Town Pizza and the change in your pocket.
None of those are a joke, except maybe the working for change part. I’ll either work for free and claim it was my idea or work for a standard rate and tell everyone “I’m a writer, me.”
Keep me in mind, I’m off to find work.
* – I used to run a website in 2006, which became solely a video games review site in 2008 and ran up until 2011 when I was working 7 days a week and still had no money to buy games to review. The site was making a net loss, had a microscopic fan base and no one was contributing to it and so I pulled the plug.
I honestly believe that Idiocracy is one of the most important films of the last 10 years
Posted: 16/08/2011 Filed under: Rant, SCIENCE!, Words Leave a comment »Idiocracy is a fairly silly comedy from Mike Judge, forewarning us of the consequences of a world where the moronic and promiscuous breed like rabbits yet the smart and conserved “put careers first” and undergo family planning, usually resulting in fewer children – if any.
It’s been a while since I actually watched the film, but the story unfolds with Luke Wilson playing “The Average Man”, an Army private with average stats across the board – including IQ, blood pressure, height, weight, etc. who is ordered to take part in the US government’s experiments in cryogenic freezing. What was planned as short stint in stasis to ensure the freezing was safe becomes a 500 year Futurama-esque cryo-sleep after Luke Wilson’s character is forgotten. After 500 years of the below-average breeding more ferociously than the above-average the population’s average has shifted negatively making the now-thawed “Average Man” suddenly the smartest person in the world.
We laugh at how all clothing is now a billboard for a brand, how people are influenced 100% by advertising and believe everything they hear (resulting in the presidents winning on popularity alone and the population trying to water their crops with Gatorade), how hyper-inflation has left $1,000,000 nearly worthless and how all sport is contact sport that involves blood and death on a very Smash TV/Running Man/Gladiatorial scale, but the picture painted from the first few minutes of the film is really enough to pin down the real message, which is nicely ribboned up in a feel-good comedy; Being frank, the smarter half of our population have some tough choices to make that will affect the fate of mankind on Earth.
It’s difficult to discuss without sounding like a snob, but it has become clear since Thomas Malthus first spoke out that the world cannot handle an ever-growing population and many argue that we’re already beyond the point of over-population, with only modern technology for efficient food production keeping us afloat. Major religious beliefs, lack of sex education (sometimes DUE to religious beliefs overriding the schools) and the lure of child benefits (as a way to survive without being obliged to contribute to the economy) have nudged certain underprivileged groups worldwide to experience exponential population explosions over the last century, with the offspring more likely to adopt similar outlooks and get stuck into the same socio-economic cycles.
On the other hand, the people who strive to make a difference in the world have a tendency to plan and map their route through life and tick each box as they reach them. Education for an additional 5-10 years before working, working before getting a house, a house before marriage, marriage before children. Family planning tries to fit around each partner’s career plans so the time and money (from their own pocket) to have and raise children is reduced so usually fewer children are had between “settling” and “menopause”. These children also typically have “better” upbringings, with fastidious parents more willing to pay out for private schooling, tutoring and imposing work ethic – with their own life as an example of success - as the only way to get what you want.
The result of this, at first glace, would be a growth in population for those without the same chances in life causing a negative shift of the meaning of average with the above-average or intellectually valued workforce essentially shrinking into the minority. It’s been seriously considered in the past that the human species may split a few hundred thousand years down the line from the lack of inter-class breeding. This may be an extreme prediction, but this social divide is no different than the geographical divides such as new rivers or mountains that force one specie to diversify into two separate species in nature. The future 500 years down the line portrayed in Idiocracy may appear to be outlandish and is likely a vision of things to come providing they were not regulated (which we hope they are), but the actual future may not differ much from this if population growth isn’t curbed.
There’s no easy way to implant the idea of controlling the birth rate into general acceptance without being compared to eugenicists of the past and sympathising with modern China’s one-child policy but simple education on sustainability, economics and sex education can increase support for having children later, when there is sufficient monetary and emotional support already available from the family. Of course despite the rational reasons to go ahead it’s still difficult to pull the trigger without politicians gambling their reputation and company resources on trying to fix a problem that the bulk of the Western world won’t perceive as a problem until it’s too late to correct. So, for now, it’s in the hands of the individuals. Which means mainly the individuals who understand it’s importance, which means they have probably read into the situation, which in turn likely places them into the above-average intelligence band.
One option is to ignore it since everybody else is, have as many children as you want or can support comfortably and then die old enough to see them grow up but young enough to die before you feel the consequences. The consequences would be a continued explosion of the global population but a more even distribution of backgrounds and genetics going through to the next generation. Another option would be to plan ahead to have only 1-2 children, so the eventual death of you and your partner keeps the your contribution to the population at a balance or slight decline, which is great for the global population but for those who aren’t willing to control birth rates will soon become a majority of the gene pool.
The sensible option seems to be adoption - to foster a child and raise them as your own. This can present opportunities to a child who previously had none and allow them to flourish while also controlling population growth – creating a home for a child in need over creating a child. The downside is that your own genetic material won’t make it into the next generation – the meaning of life, in the Darwinian view – unless you have another child. However, the increased acceptance of homosexual couples and marriages has affected the rate of adoption and some now see adoption of babies and very young children as reserved for homosexual couples who reject surrogates but are looking to raise a child.
My point, and opinion, stands at the fact of until we master terraforming and colonising far-off worlds to disperse our population we need to take action to target the causes of these problems and slow the growing global population before we hit the ceiling of Earth’s sustainability and face all the disasters that come with breaking through it. I realise there’s a horrendous amount of gray areas - both politically, scientifically and ethically - in taking most courses of action, and I also realise that most individuals alone probably can’t make a difference to the course of human evolution, but passively wishing the problems of the future away could unfurl as a disaster for mankind.
And that’s where I run out of steam on the topic. If you wish to contribute to this discussion, fact check or counter-argue, feel free to do so.
Self-Censorship
Posted: 16/07/2011 Filed under: Rant, Words Leave a comment »“Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it.”
- Mark Twain
“It’s now rather common to hear people say ‘I’m very offended by that’ as if that gives them certain rights. It’s [no more than a whine], it has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase – ‘I am offended by that’. Well, so fucking what?”
- Stephen Fry
“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
- Ricky Gervais
I’ve noticed recently that people have become increasingly apologetic for their own opinions. One liberty of the Western world is the freedom to express yourself candidly without being punished by your peers, but a right so many of us pass up with the fear of upsetting those around us. I’m not sure if I’m treading The Guardian or The Daily Mail ground here when I say that people need to take full advantage of their right to speak their mind without fear of the repercussions.
If you can truly believe in the words you are saying and not be in any way offended or appalled by them yourself then what makes those who are negatively affected so special? It doesn’t make them right or wrong to agree or disagree with you, unless they’re doing it for the wrong reasons, but if they are the portion of the group who finds what you are saying to be offensive or disrespectful then they can either counter-argue against your manic ignorance gracefully or shut the fuck up and leave. Whether the strings of syllables you eject from your gullet are translated into words of wisdom or the ramblings of a tyrant is completely subjective and falls into the court of the recipient to let the noises fall into their designated peg-shapes within their consciousness and draw up memories and meaning from the deep well of their long-term memory, so why are you at fault if the images they conjure up are negative ones? If you are one of those people who need to prefix your next verbal belch with the tacked-on phrase “I’m sorry, but…” to emphasise just how little you want to rock everyone’s world while drawing attention to your view of things (a view which was likely copied from a popular publication) then it just makes me think you’re not certain of what you believe or that you’re only saying what you’re saying to cause a controversy you can masturbate to later.
I, of course, mean this in a moderate sense. I realise “I’m sorry, but…” is only a few paces away from “I’m not racist, but…”. I don’t endorse the expression of racism or homophobia, and anyone who does express them in my presence is someone I no longer wish to share my presence with, but this is the point. If people don’t like what you have to say, no one is forcing them to listen and if they don’t like you as a person for it then they join the great majority of the world who don’t care or don’t care for what you have to say and from this you come to appreciate the remainder who nod along with your slurred rants about which celebrity you believe should fist themselves to death. You can’t please everyone – and trying to just gets you stuck with labels such as “two-faced” and “suck-up” which are permanent, irreversible and legally-bound titles in the workplace – so stop trying and just say it how it is. You’ll lose the love and respect of those who – in an honest world – you would’ve never got along with anyway and gained the respect of those who see fragments of their own thoughts shining out from your finger-pointing, self-important arrogance-flavoured vomit.
You won’t be the most attractive person in the world if you follow this plan of action but you’ll quickly root out those who are worth spending time with in the first place, rather than just falling in line and nodding along to someone’s temporally-scrambled plot synopsis of last night’s “Corrie” while you’re trying to eat your sandwich.
But, what do you care what I have to say? This is just my opinion.
Please note, I wrote this after drinking – something I’m not in the habit of doing. When I see this tomorrow I might add, edit or remove some parts for better flow or grammar. At an extreme, maybe I’ll even show the hypocritical nature we all (deniably) have and remove the post entirely with a hushed apology.
Shuttled.
Posted: 24/06/2011 Filed under: Rant, Words Leave a comment »Do trains really need drivers and other staff? I mean, look at lifts.
I’m not just being thick by saying this. Early last century lifts needed a guy to pull the lever, halt at your desired stop then open and close the doors for you – up until it was replaced by illuminated circuitry that appear irresistible to children whose parents leech benefits. Surely we’ve come far enough to operate the trains on a similar system?
It would arrive at a stop on time, open it’s doors if requested to do so by a passenger onboard or awaiting it on the station. When the scheduled time is up at said station, the doors would emit a warning and snap shut – maybe on the front wheel of a determined lycra-clad cyclist with poor transit punctuality? – and move on smoothly and without remorse.
From the ashes of Britain’s railway expertise we could revolutionise mass-transit, instead of the present and shameful condition of buying second-hand carriages from European neighbours and outsourcing railworks to countries which youths weren’t told to drop their toolbelts and head to university, fruitlessly.
As for on-rail security? The third-best solution to cryo-storing passengers or having private, lockable berths would be to permit passengers light ordinance or sharps to dissuade potential muggers, rapists, vagrants and multiple-seat-hoggers.
I wish there was more “street justice” on public transport. As I write this, two menopausal women are discussing George Clooney’s relationship status…
I mean, what is wrong with this country?!
There’s some truly disgusting human beings on my regular route and, as is natural, I labelled and aliased them all immediately.
Hairy man who grunts and spits on the tracks, suppressedly homosexual old man and “friend”, chatty bitch, plain-clothes sleeping workman, guy who steps on the train with his book in hand but without fail finds someone he knows to talk to instead, angry mechanic.
I know ‘em all!
The guys who really take the cake are the strange middle-aged men who seem to race all the passengers – as well as each other – at my final destination. What really gets these guys through the day is to be alone in the lift from the platform to the surface, so make considerable effort to sprint for the next lift and hammer the ‘UP’ button until their knuckles fuse. About 90% of the time they fail (possibly because I have become semi-competitive just to see them upset) and the 10% of success is split in a roughly 4-1 ratio in favour of the skinny guy (the other guy is ‘The Tall Guy’).
It’s incredible to hear the muted but still plainly audible “GAWD!” as you just step through the automatic doors as they are due to close, and therefore re-open. It’s even sweeter, and definitely worth the minor inconvenience to my own journey, to see the guy shift his feet, sigh and mutter as your entrance paved the way for another dozen or more people to hop on the lift. It just gets better when a cyclist attempts to squeeze in and prevent the door completing it’s function 2 or 3 times as the bike owner mutters apologies and slams his ride into the mesh of legs, suitcases and bags in vain.
It’s not even like these guys are in a hurry. I’ve actually followed one out the station once, and he slowed right down once he was out. Even stopped to fumble a cigarette out his pocket and stare towards the horizon before strolling into the park.
What a prick.
Anyway, if you follow me on Twitter (please do!) this wasn’t one of the planned topics I was to blog this weekend. This is just me. Bored.
On a train.
Have a nice weekend!
For future reference…
Posted: 04/05/2011 Filed under: Rant, SCIENCE!, Words Leave a comment »… it was always the egg.

Chicks are fucking cute.
When people ask “What came first: The chicken or the egg?” it was always the egg.
If you believe in (and understand) evolution on a basic level, or recall any details of Jurassic Park, you’ll know that prehistoric animals laid eggs. Before lungfish crawled up beaches things were laying eggs in the salty deep.
“But it means a chicken egg!” I hear some pedant cry from afar, and the riddle then asks “How can a chicken lay a chicken egg if it, itself, was not hatched from such?” but we can say with utmost certainty that nothing ever suddenly became a chicken mid-way through it’s life, as genetic mutation generally occurs somewhere between the creation of the sperm/egg and birth. You can’t sculpt an animal and expect it’s children to show the marks of your God-playing chizel, or the children of amputees would be born with stumps for legs.
By the theory of evolution, there was likely a chicken-ish ancestor that laid an egg that hatched into what we’d now call a chicken and blessed the hungover masses with greasy popcorn-styled ‘bites’ but whether this was due to human-enforced selective breeding or natural evolution is the limits of my knowledge without opening Google.
But now you know, it was the egg. Always the egg.
So shut up.
The Things That Went And Happened
Posted: 27/03/2011 Filed under: Gaming, Rant, Words Leave a comment »OR, “How I Learned To Stop Hating Christmas And Learned To Love Kareoke – A British Guide To Good Sex”
NOTE: This was never actually the first post, but everything before this one is redundant and not very good, so just assume I said “Hey, I’m new here…”
… but I’m still getting used to the whole ‘Week End’ idea, after spending over 2 months working 7 days a week, and I was called back in to the blog by the itching burn of a typing error on my last post that I HAD TO fix, but the last 30 hours have been really something…
I spent a great deal of it playing Shogun 2, and it’s been a full-on emotional rollercoaster. You may call me a fool to let my emotions seep into a game that involves staring at a rice paper map of 1500′s Japan for extended marathons, but saying that just means I’ll also have to talk to you about it (in depth) to educate you…
Last night saw my greatest general – my faction leader’s own son! – turn on his father’s expanding nation. Struck with so much heartache, his aging father died the following season leaving his youngest son to command the armies and the political fields of South West Japan. On the outskirts of a winter-gripped town, on an icy field on the West Coast of Japan, the brothers met in arms for the first and final time. The Younger was dismounted, surveying his broken and simple stronghold, anxious of the coming battle against his brother who sat on horseback below with a small force of elite units and advanced siege equipment who also betrayed his father (those damn treacherous catapults).
As the morning mist rose, the Elder’s armies smashed against the walls and rained steel-tipped arrows and explosive shells from above as the desperate garrison pushed hard back to topple the climbing units and keep the dilapidated gates sealed. After a tense 12 minutes (!) of combat, the dust settled from the original turmoil to show the remaining combatants. The Younger himself, two personal bodyguards and a handful of samurai against the Elder and his 23 bodyguards, already scaling the walls with their bare hands. As the Elder’s feet landed flat on the inside of the walls the enemy siege catapults continued their hellfire barrage while the steady garrisoned samurai charged in and a fierce skirmish broke out, explosions all round. The Elder was down to his last 12 expertly trained men, the Younger to his 10 samurai – it wasn’t looking good – but then hope shone down from the heavens and the frigid field of bodies, arrows, riderless horses and discarded arms fell silent as a samurai’s katana pierced the Elder’s armour casusing him to drop to his knees, let out a last visible breath, then fall flat in the icy, trodden grass. His last men looked uneasy, then made their wise retreat. The catapults were left inanimate on the horizon. The Younger had made his ancestors proud in bringing this traitor to justice…
This lower-lip-biting, eye-narrowing moment is also joined by the fact I witnessing of the most horrific and deadly battle in my Total War career this morning, leaving literally thousands dead on a single hillside (which I must upload to YouTube – everyone loves war porn!). Also consider my first conflict with The Black Ship this day, a glorious unique Portuguese sea-going vessel in the game, which fired cannons relentlessly at my rowboats and smashing years of development, agrarian toil and masterwork to pieces with nothing more than a scoff from the European crew. How about the touching story of the 8 enemy samurai who, when charged by hundreds of my men, drew their swords and fought to the last man. That last man cut down several of my own as we moved on to more worthwhile targets, leaving him alone near his fallen friends and foes alike – katana still gripped in two hands, staring emotionless and exhauted into the sea of his fallen brothers – before the disgusting volley of arrows from passing foot archers turn him into a lightly armoured pincussion, shooting our most honourable foe to date down like a deer on the tree line, who then slowly and silently sunk to the floor. Consider these, I say, and you’ll see how deep this game can run in both story-building mechanics and also into your soul.
I also played Crazy Machines for the first time, after buying it drunk two weeks ago. That shit is awesome.
Moving away from games, if I may (Can I?), I also finally watched The Expendables. I’m not saying I was expecting a sophisticated plot from Sly and the gang but it was utterly pointless and forgettable. I’m hoping I mean this in a good way because I’m not saying it’s a bad film, as I seem to remember enjoying it greatly within the running time, and I’m sure fatigue and other aspects of my enigmatic brain are to blame for any negative views, but as soon as I turned off the TV when the credits rolled and moved from the couch I had forgotten what I’d spent the last two hours doing. Seriously. I’m sure it’s the paramount of entertainment to a room of tipsy 20-something males who’ve given up on finding work this decade but I think I felt my pre-frontal cortex recoil and ooze at every unfathomable knife kill, bottomless ammunition clip, defiance of physics and unexplained firey explosion. And I own Bulletstorm…
… Which I’ve not played for longer than a couple of hours because it’s the most tasteless piece of crap to ever grace my console disc tray. And I own Test Drive Unlimited 2…
… Which is fucking terrible.
See how I avoided talking about more games there? Yeah, you owe me.
Update: Forgot to mention one of the most saddening parts of the Shogun 2 story, so I went ahead and added it as well as included this part in the 46.5Gb of footage I just recorded of my highlight reels.
Going to spend tomorrow working on reviewing Shogun 2 before subjecting myself to more of my terrible games so I can review them, then see if there’s time to make a “Let’s Play” video with Fink.